Toilet Talk

It is out great affinity for Mr. Owens that I am posting an entire blog dedicated solely to bathroom etiquette. . .

So, what are there etiquette rules that dictate when you can and cannot use the handicapped bathroom stall (Yes Sean, they have these in women's bathrooms).

Well the easy answer is: If you’re not handicapped, do not use the handicapped bathroom stall. Now I am not saying that is the ‘right’ answer. I am just saying that is the easiest because, as you’re about to see, determining when is and is not the appropriate time to use the handicap stall is a rather complicated process.

First, as a well trained consultant, I have listed the assumptions made when deriving this paradigm.

Assumptions:

1. The handicapped stall is the only stall available

2. You are not, in fact, handicap

3. You are a person who would be embarrassed if you walked out of a handicap stall and found an actual handicap person there waiting for your able bodies self to get out of their stall.

4. Men only use stalls when they have to do more than just pee.

4a. The average man will therefore be in a stall longer than the average woman.

Ok, so the decision for appropriate use of a handicapped stall by a non handicapped person is a function of the following variables:

#1 If you are a man or a woman?

#2 How many handicap stalls are there in the bathroom?

#3 How many handicap people are in the facility you are currently in?

#4 What time of day is it?

It is really all about assessing and minimizing the odds that you’re going to be occupying the handicapped stall when a handicapped person is in need of it.

If you’re a man, and there is only 1 handicapped stall in the bathroom, and you know there is at least one handicapped person in the facility, and it is prime bathroom time (right after morning coffee/right after lunch) you probably shouldn’t be using the handicapped stall.

If it’s not prime time but all other factors remain the same, you probably still should refrain. If it’s not prime time and/or the ratio of handicapped stalls to handicapped people is more equitable then you’re probably ok.

If you’re a woman and there is only 1 handicapped stall in the bathroom, and you know there is at least one handicapped person in the facility, and it is prime bathroom time, you probably shouldn’t either but if you’re gonna be quick about it you’re likely to be ok.

So to summarize, the easy answer is - don’t use the handicapped stall if you’re not a handicapped person. If you don’t like that answer start counting stalls and have your statical data on hand next time you walk into the bathroom.

NOTE: There is one notable exception to all of this. Sometimes when you gotta go, you GOTTA GO. In those situations, all bets are off and all stalls are open for business.